


Fixing a Hole

by 15dogs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Dark Mark (Harry Potter), Dark Mark Removal (Harry Potter), F/M, Food Issues, Isolation, Oneshot, References to Depression, Young Sirius Black, imagine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:55:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27891127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/15dogs/pseuds/15dogs
Summary: You realize that things for Sirius Black don’t always work out the same for you.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 31





	Fixing a Hole

**Author's Note:**

> cross-posted from tumblr (@15-dogs)

Everyone in your family talked about Sirius and Regulus Black. It was a well known fact that Sirius had run away from the family to live with those blood traitor Potters, deserting his position as a soldier to the Dark Lord. Sirius’s name was a dirty word in your family, like poison that dripped from the tongues of your predecessors. 

Regulus was a godsend. Your parents would constantly talk about him. They had even mentioned you marrying into his family a few times. The command would send shivers down your spine and you weren’t sure why. This is what you wanted, this is what you’ve always wanted.

Then why couldn’t you stop thinking about Sirius Black?

You’d get distracted during classes just staring at his simple elegance. He had these strong hands that you would study as he wrote an essay in class, wondering if they were soft or rough, if they were firm or gentle, if they would fit perfectly in yours. Your eyes would glaze over as you would divulge into your imagination, imagining his arms wrapping around you and pulling you tight against him.

“Control your perverted fantasies, (Y/L/N),” Severus scolded. His eyes never once left his paper as he continued to reprimand your behavior. “Don’t deny the fact that you were staring at Black. Learn to manage those feelings.”

You scowled at the boy who you had once considered a close friend. He had no right to talk to you the way he did, seeing as he was the one who was in love with Lily Evans. He was simply bitter. Bitter at Evans, and Potter, and Black. Bitter at the lot of them just because he made bad decisions.

The more you thought about his actions, the more you feared you were to become him. But that wasn’t it. Not really, anyway. You were more concerned that everyone thought that you were like him. And by everyone, you really meant Sirius Black.

You chanced a look at the raven haired boy, until to find him staring back at you. Your heart froze over as his gray eyes were trained on your body. But then a fleet of butterflies occupied your stomach as he gave you a kind and genuine smile, waving gently at you. Potter knocked his hand down a moment later, whispering something to his friend. You took the small opportunity to stray your eyes from the boy that you undoubtedly fancied, hoping your cheeks weren’t as red as they felt.

In Divination later that day, you and Sirius were partnered up to read each other’s palms. Your hands were sweating, you were sure of it. You debated the consequences of wiping your hands off on your robes but decided against it, fearing it would lead to a risky line of questioning from the boy across from you.

“I have to be entirely honest with you, (Y/N),” Sirius began. Your heart sped in your chest as you stared at him with wide eyes. “I haven’t been doing the notes. What exactly is...palmistry?”

You cleared your throat awkwardly and shifted in your seat to avoid his piercing gaze. “Palm reading.”

A wicked grin crept onto his face. “And I get to read your palm?”

“Yes.”

“Finally, an opportunity to hold your hand.”

Your heart leapt into your throat. Sirius could see it, too. He could see how flustered his comment made you. But the longer you thought about it, the more you recalled how he always acted like that towards you.

Before Sirius left his family, you used to spend time with him. Not in a friendly way, but in a we’re-the-same-age-at-this-dinner-party-that-our-parents-made-us-go-to kind of way. He would always make gentle comments like that one. Nothing too crude, just enough to make your stomach turn. Although, the idea of him being crude to you thrilled you a little, but you’d never admit it to him.

“Hand, princess.” Sirius outstretched a hand to you, yanking yours by the wrist into his field of vision.

You always blushed when he called you princess. You were an only child, and most pureblood families lived in a sea of boys so Sirius knew you as one of the very few pureblood girls (that he wasn’t related to) he used to spend time with. He’d call you princess because that’s what you were: a pureblood princess.

You rolled your eyes at his gruffness, pretending that you were affected by it. Sirius flipped open the textbook and spotted a diagram of a hand, glancing between that and your palm in front of him.

“This looks like your...head line.” He traced a finger across your palm which had you shivering; his hands were most definitely rough.

“And?”

His eyes snapped up to yours. “And what?”

“What does it say, Black?” Your tone was borderline irritated but you knew you couldn’t be mad at Sirius. Not when he looked at you like a wounded puppy.

“What do you mean what does it say? Aren’t we supposed to be identifying the parts of the palm?”

You stifled a laugh and playfully kicked the boy in the shins. “No, you idiot, read my palm!”

“Alright, alright, okay!”

You furrowed your brow slightly, a smile still on your face; you were positive that Sirius Black was blushing. It was a good look on him.

“Your head line” —he looked up at you for confirmation, to which you nodded— “says you can’t get me out of your head.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes. “It does not-”

He silenced you with another stroke across your palm. “Your life line says you want to spend the rest of your life with me— how romantic.”

“That’s just cheesy-”

“Your heart line says you desperately, desperately want me.”

“Impossible-”

“And your fate line says that we’re destined to go on a date to Hogsmeade this weekend.”

You blinked in shock. Your eyes darted around the room, expecting to hear someone gossiping about what Sirius had been saying. But you were simply being paranoid, and you knew it, too.

You leaned in slightly towards him, faltering as his musky cologne hit your senses. “Is that a joke? If it is, it isn’t very funny.”

You tried to lean away when he didn’t respond, feeling shame boil up in your stomach when he utilized the grip on your wrist, yanking you towards him so his breath was hot on your ear.

“No, princess,” he growled lowly in your ear, a devilish smirk on his lips, “I’m serious.”

—

From that point forward, Sirius and you were inseparable. Well, to an extent. Your relationship was a secret, the only people having known were James, Remus, and Peter at Sirius’s request. He understood the importance of hiding your relationship, seeing how he was the trademark blood traitor and all. So that was that, no one could know that you were falling in love with Sirius Black.

One of the very few places you convened for dates— or even just to spend some time together— was the illusive Room of Requirement. It opened for you one day as you wandered the halls, head cloudy with decisions that needed to be made about yours and Sirius’s relationship. Ultimately, it convinced you that you and Sirius could work together as a hidden couple, so you decided to continue things with the boy that you had admittedly grown quite fond of.

The door appeared and the room was slightly different this time, that of which had you on edge because you knew that you had come to talk to Sirius about a certain decision that he had made. So that’s exactly where you were, the room that fostered it all, cuddling up against your boyfriend’s chest as he recounted the memories of leaving his home.

Sirius’s hand ran its course up and down the side of your arm as he talked about showing up at the Potter’s familial home. “I was scared, of course, that they wouldn’t take me in. But they did, and I should’ve known that they would-”

What you said next was purely accidental. You didn’t mean to tell him in this hurried way, but you did. It was like the hours of listening could only fit in your head if you let one piece of information go; an eye for an eye. That was the sentiment that propelled you to say, “I’m thinking of moving out.”

Sirius’ movements stopped instantly. He craned his neck to meet your watery eyes, almost to check if what you said was sincere. He knew how much you hated your family, and how that hatred had bloomed and blossomed throughout the years but never did he expect you to say such definitive words.

“Do you know what you’re saying?” he asked carefully like his words would shatter you, if not drive the chisel further through your cracks.

“I do.” You sat up out of his grasp, leaning against the armrest on the couch which you two sat upon. “You did it, and I want out. I’m going to do it, too.”

He reached up to cup your cheeks, directing your line of sight to align with his. “Love, what’s going on?” You noticed his eyes flicker towards your wrist, sending your stomach tumbling. “Did they…?”

You jerked away from him. “They want to, so I want out.”

Sirius took a few sobering breaths before settling back onto the other end of the couch. He ran his hands over the worn fabric as he studied you like it was the last time he’d be able to see you. He ran a hand over his face as he sighed, “How can I help?”

—

Things did not go according to plan. You and Sirius had figured that you would escape in the middle of the night during winter break and meet him at the Potter’s home. But things went sour quickly.

You rarely showed strong emotions, feeling that you could keep them intact. But right then, you couldn’t. All the fear and anger had sat inside you for too long and you couldn’t help but cry and rage and scream and sob in the comforts of the Room of Requirement.

_ “I’m asking you to be  _ quiet _ , Ebbol!” _

_ “Master Veritas! Master Treagar! I fear that Master (Y/N) is attempting to escape! Masters? Masters!” _

You felt that you were flush out of tears, but that emptiness still sat inside you. As you sat on the couch, your eyes unfocusing as your mind narrowed in on that hole. The emptiness hurt. You wanted it gone, or at least wanted something to fill it. Even a temporary fix would do. Just something to stop the pain.

_ “No, no! Please, mother, please! I swear, I wasn’t…” _

You stood up a moment later, clenching your eyes shut as if that would hide the horrors that replayed relentlessly in your head. You wiped your tears away, taking out your wand to place a glamour charm that would hide your puffy eyes and pale lips.

You snuck out and walked to your first class, skipping breakfast because you truly didn’t think that you could stomach it. Your eyes could only focus on what was ahead of you, which is why you didn’t see Sirius jogging up beside you.

“Hey...hey! (Y/N/N), are you okay?”

His words were dull in your ears. You blinked slightly before shrugging out of his grasp on your arm, walking into the classroom ahead.

“You didn’t show up,” Sirius continued as he followed you in. “Are you okay?”

You felt sick bubbling up in your throat and you couldn’t continue talking to him any longer. Every second that you did, you were reminded of who you were: a pureblood princess.

“Go away,” you sneered shakily.

Sirius knew better than to argue with you so he shuffled back to his seat, stealing hurt glances at you every few seconds. Not that you could notice with that ache on your wrist. That was too powerful to focus on anything else.

—

You spent most of your time in the Room of Requirement. It became a second home to you if it wasn’t before. You knew that you couldn’t go back to your common room, knowing that all the eyes on you would make you feel sicker than you had before.

Your emptiness had swallowed you whole. You would stare, you would sleep, you would wake. Nightmares had taken a toll on that cycle, removing the sleeping portion. For a while you had debated brewing your own sleeping draught but you soon realized you couldn’t, barely having enough energy to get out of bed and attend classes each day. Some days, you skipped classes all together.

Sirius noticed your gaunt face and sunken eyes. He had seen you pull away and seal yourself off from everyone— especially him. He wasn’t really sure what your relationship was anymore, but it didn’t matter. He cared about you. Deeply, at that. Lover or friend.

You didn’t turn around as you heard the groaning of the old stones moving to welcome the familiar door. The door opened slowly and quiet footsteps padded in. The couch sunk slightly beside you, and it was only then that you looked up. Sirius jumped at the sight of your face without all the protective beauty charms covering it.

“Merlin, (Y/N), you look ill. When was the last time you ate something?”

You slowly turned away from him. “I...I don’t remember.” You didn’t have the energy to be mad at him, or feel anything towards him, for that matter.

“I brought some chocolate,” he explained as she rifled through the pockets of his leather jacket. “It’s from Moony’s stash. He let me take some for you.”

You absentmindedly took the chocolate, peeling away at the wrapper and biting down gently. As you chewed on the chocolate, Sirius patiently waited for you to speak up. You knew why he was there. You had dreamt about it going quite badly, but you had dreamt about it, nonetheless. You had to tell him. You had no choice.

So, without speaking, you set the chocolate bar down and raised your sleeve to reveal the Dark Mark on your left forearm. He jumped up from the couch, running his hands through his hair.

“I knew it, I knew it,” he mumbled to himself. “Those sick bastards.”

“I can’t get it off, Sirius. I tried charms to hide it, even muggle makeup. Nothing works.” Your voice turned shaky as you looked up at Sirius.

His pacing stopped and he sank down to your level, cupping your jaw. “How did they do it?”

“My house-elf caught me on the way out. He called my parents in and they just...mother said they couldn’t wait any longer...that I was to be a blood traitor if I didn’t get it.”

Sirius mentally scolded himself for allowing you to do such a reckless thing without backup. He helped you plan your escape, and now he was responsible for your downfall. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes but he fought them back as he looked at you.

“I can’t go back,” you whispered.

“You’re not going to,” he said decisively.

“I can’t just  _ leave _ , you know that didn’t work last time.”

He took a careful breath to calm his nerves as his hands trailed down from your face to your hands. “When someone I love gets hurt, I get involved.”

You jumped into his arms. As he tugged you closer to his chest, you felt that emptiness slowly start to fill up with...something. It was a warmth you had never felt. A warmth that made you tear up. Sirius started to tear up as well as he ran his hands over you like he hadn’t seen in you in years. Maybe he felt that emptiness, too. And maybe you filled that emptiness, too. And maybe, just maybe, you filled that emptiness with love as he did for you.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr (@15-dogs) and wattpad (@15dogs)!!


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